“work” doesn’t burn us out
Okay, this is a little bit of an edgy topic, but it’s one of those things where nuance is critical, so buckle up.
I got right up to the edge of burnout this year. And it wasn’t because I worked too hard. Y’all know I keep a strict 20 hour workweek + four-day weekends!
In fact, it wasn’t because of anything outside of myself.
I burned out because of my INTERNAL RESISTANCE to my own evolution.
In other words, I clung to who I used to be, and all her habits and behaviors, to the point of total exhaustion and despair.
And that’s when I realized: all the hundreds of people I’ve coached through burnout over the years, all of whom thought the cause of their burnout was “the new baby” or “the increase in work stress” or “my neurodivergence”... actually were off-base.
It’s actually completely possible to be a new mom while working, and not burn out.
It’s possible to have a ton of workload suddenly dumped on you, and not burn out.
It’s totally possible to have divergent neurotype in a world that wasn’t designed for you, and NOT BURN OUT.
The trick in all of these situations is straightforward: surrender to you who you’re becoming, and let go of who you thought you were.
Lol, I know, IF ONLY IT WERE EASY. Don’t you dare weaponize this insight to make yourself feel bad for “allowing yourself to burn out.” Pump the brakes there, ace, this is a long post.
Because this juncture–when our circumstances adjust in service of “upleveling” our spiritual capacity–is where our conditioning really gets the best of us.
“Surrender,” as a mere concept, is literally taboo in American culture (and probably many others): “THEY SURRENDERED IN SHAMEFUL DEFEAT” is probably the Webster Dictionary example sentence for the word.
What if surrender was actually the easiest thing in the world?
What if rather than something we had to struggle to do, it came as naturally as the exhale of a deep breath? Like the rise of vapor from a warm bath?
If you have anxiety, you might notice your struggle to “surrender” to sleep. But you have to admit, once you allow it, it’s like being carried away to a safe destination by a gentle river.
In reality, it’s easier to surrender than it is to hold on. Especially when what you’re holding onto has already left you. And yet–we’re totally addicted to the struggle of gripping on.
2024 has been a year of profound grieving for many of us–me included. And for a lot of us, it wasn’t some big external tragedy that brought it on.
We’re grieving who we used to be.
And in the chaos of our grief, we panic. We go back to all the behaviors and habits that USED TO define us in an adorable effort to resuscitate a shell. We recreate the routines, the people, the coping mechanisms that we’re used to.
But alas, they don’t hit like they used to. In fact, they drain you.
Because you aren’t who you were anymore. The puzzle pieces no longer fit together.
The utter mindfuck this creates in our psyche demands rapid spiritual growth. Which, let’s be honest, isn’t something most of us were exactly hoping for or looking forward to. Especially not now, when [insert your reason why you don’t have time for spiritual growth right now].
Meanwhile, the more we resist the idea that we’ve changed, the harder we lean on the things that don’t work for us anymore. That’s when our physiology and brain chemistry starts to circle the drain.
Before you know it, your dopamine tolerance is through the roof, your adrenal cortex has taken off into the air like a whirligig, and your self-esteem is shot through. Burnout is at your doorstep.
What to do?
Practically speaking, here’s the reframe available to us in the challenging moments, that represents a surrender to who you’re becoming:
“Half my department got laid off, and all the work got dumped on me. As a femme, I typically get screwed, because cultural bias means that women are handed more non-promotable tasks; our conditioning around people-pleasing means it’s harder to say no. This is me being called forward to a higher level of delegation, to pick back up the work on integrating my shadow around pleasing others, to redefine my relationship with my job, and to deepen my self-care practices that expand my capacity.”
“I’m feeling overwhelmed as a working mom. It is a violent injustice how parents (especially femmes and people of color, and other marginalized groups) are treated in the workplace. And yet, I’m not trapped here. I didn’t choose the injustice, but I chose my environment. I refuse to be defined by this injustice. I refuse to submit to limiting expectations. I will resource myself radically, beyond my wildest dreams, to create an environment that gives me the support I require–even if it means trying something unconventional. I trust me.”
“I’ve been ADHD my whole life, and the way the “default world” is designed inevitably leads to worsened ADHD symptoms (after all, the “pathology” of ADHD is actually a response to distress.) This is an opportunity for me to go upstream to address the sources of stress that make my symptoms harder to manage. I also get to call in support to expand through my shame about asking for accommodations, knowing that all humans require accommodations to thrive.”
Now–here’s the nuance. All of this WOULD be spiritual bypassing, IF we didn’t call out the fact that it’s not friggin fair that femmes, parents, and neurodivergent folks get systematically short shrift.
So yeah, we ALSO get to advocate for justice and influence systems of oppression–not just in our careers, but everywhere.
You are not to blame, and also you get to choose how you respond to injustice–as a victim, or as someone who empowers themselves when others would have them disempowered. It’s both. And not actually that complicated.
Ergo, I rest my case: burnout only happens when we let it. Probably the last f*cking thing you want to hear, when burnout has come a-knockin’.
But once you have screamed with despair, pounded on the floor with your fists, and cried out to nobody for rescue?
That’s the phase of grief when the stillness finally comes.
The sweet release of surrendering to your life.
Here’s a tip, creative warriors: don’t wait for burnout to practice surrender.
Try setting an alarm after your meetings, and give BLOBBING a go (defined in my program teaching as a kind of progressive muscle relaxation):
Lay down on a soft surface
Clench and release every muscle group, starting with your toes, all the way up to your face
Clench your whole body, then BLOBBBBBBBBB. Release into the support beneath you.
Visualize the edges of your body seeping outward and over the bed. Stress and tension sloughs off naturally.
Blobbing is a way of “micro-surrender”: your body sends a message to your brain that surrender is safe; even pleasurable. And trust me, the way neurobiology works–you’re training your whole self to resist yourself less.
So, go blob now! Oh wait, are you resisting already? Cute.
I know firsthand: it’s hard to embrace who you’re becoming. Surrender is an allergen. Thus, it is not efficient to try and brute-force it alone.
What if you had regular touchpoints and accountability, and expert guidance on finding surrender practices that work for you–so that what’s coming next gets to drop in with a lot more ease? Maybe even… the most naturally easy thing imaginable?
This is just a slice of what we focus on over the six months of the Fearless Femmes program–in our group sessions, 1:1s, and coursework.
If you’re on the verge of a big transition into launching a creative business, and monetizing your natural gifts, creating real freedom for yourself? You got some surrender work ahead of ya.
Get the support that will make it more easeful. Book your 1:1 discovery session with me now.
Love,
Becca