Don’t Put Me In A Box
Dear Becca,
I had a lightbulb moment early this week to reach out to you to see if you would be willing to chat. Mainly because your advice that keeps ringing in my head is to reach out to the people who have what you want, and talk to them about how they achieved it. I didn't want to impose, and I believe that picking people's brains can be annoying.
So your post about asking a question came at the right time (mainly, you should just get over yourself and ASK!). So here goes:
I am in a position where I tried to start my own thing, and then for various financial reasons, decided to go back to a workplace role. I am actually enjoying it, and I LOVE the steady paycheque and benefits after years of not having the peace of stability.
But now, as I evaluate my next move, I am feeling boxed in about what's possible in 1) roles that are posted in my field are with companies that give me the ick and 2) the possibility of making enough money in 9 months ish at another try in my own business feels low and improbable.
I am also trying to figure out who I help and moving beyond 1:1 coaching and charging more.
Am I trying to be realistic? Am I too afraid? What is actually possible that will make my soul jump for joy?!
Thanks for considering - I am a huge fan of everything you post. Wishing you an awesome weekend.
Sincerely, Don’t Put Me In A Box
Dear Don’t Put Me In A Box,
If I were to say: “Run at your dreams, DPMIAB! Realism is the opiate of the uncreative! You have all the support you need! You’ll never know unless you try!” your monkey brain (the chattery, fast-paced, overly logical part of our minds) would come back with the opposing argument: “BUT THAT’S IRRESPONSIBLE. I HAVE A LIFESTYLE TO PROTECT.”
And if I were to say: “Nah, DPMIAB, play it safe. You say you love the stability and the paycheck, and you like your lifestyle. It’s just a job, anyway; find fulfillment elsewhere” your monkey brain would respond with “BUT I COULD GET LAID OFF AT ANY TIME, AND IN ANY CASE, MY SOUL WILL PERISH IF I’M NEVER TRULY FREE!”
If I tried to tell you what to do, I’d just be adding another voice to the noise.
So here’s the truth: you’re already free. No one can put you in a box except yourself.
You get to choose what is most important to you right now, and create it for yourself. That’s the RESPONSIBILITY of freedom–it was always going to be you having your own back, DPMIAB. We all get to choose on our path, and decide we’re going to make it work… or allow externalities to get in our way.
No matter what direction you choose for now–stay in the corporate grind, or run at your dreams–you have two experiences available:
Let the opposing “voice” in your head cause you suffering no matter which way you go, or
Get the tools you need to soothe those inner voices, and finally learn to leverage them for your self-awareness and expression, and integrate the voices that might be sabotaging your potential.
If you’re game for #2, keep reading.
One of the most painful things the human psyche can endure is INNER CONFLICT. That is to say: holding two opposing ideas or truths at once. Smart people’s minds are full of chatter back and forth, weighing pros and cons, deciding one thing and then doing another.
The reasons for this pain make a lot of sense. We’re trained on the concept that there is only one correct interpretation of reality. That means there is only one correct answer. Good and evil, black and white, true and false.
Our whole lives, we’re rewarded when we’re right, and punished when we’re wrong.
In that sense, we’re all total trauma cases–constantly guessing what someone else’s version of reality is, and hoping to heaven that we get it right, lest we experience rejection (and inevitable demise in the bitter cold of solitude).
We only can be loved and safe if we are right and good. How terrifying. It’s kind of amazing we’re all just walking around like this all day.
When we seek this external validation of being right and good like our very lives depend on it, our ability to provide ourselves INTERNAL validation atrophies like an under-used muscle.
In your letter, we see several stories emerge, all desperately seeking external validation:
I love the steady paycheck and benefits, and being in a corporate role is the only way to have those things.
Not being in a corporate role creates instability, and I don’t want to go back to that.
I am boxed in by my corporate role, and don’t like that at all.
I am uninspired by the other jobs in the world and I’m a victim of “the market”.
It’s improbable that I make enough money working for myself, because that’s what happened last time.
In other words, “I want freedom, but I also want stability, and I have to choose between them because they are mutually exclusive.”
As intellectually-horsepowered analyzers, we LOVE an impossible bind, don’t we??
YAY, FUN: a never-ending puzzle to occupy us until we die, or lose our sanity–whichever comes first. A situation of our own design, architected around gratification that we can count on never happening. It’s some real kinky shit, when you think about it.
But speaking of kinky, what I also see in your letter, DPMIAB, is a desire that rings as clear as a bell:
“I want freedom AND stability, without having to choose.”
RED ALERT, ACTIVE INNER CONFLICT IN THE BUILDING! That voice bursts onstage again with that old chestnut: YOU CANNOT HAVE BOTH. YOU HAVE TO PICK ONE.
And we believe her, don’t we?
When you buy into the idea that the two things you want are in conflict, and let your survival reactions hook you–we go into Fight/Flight/Freeze/Appease reaction mode.
Freeze and appease are what you demonstrate here. Don’t move! Say anything to make the conflict go away! Placate the threat! Those are the voices that then appear:
“Oh, I’m just not being realistic.”
“I’m too afraid, better wait until things are more certain.”
“I’m trapped in this box and can’t get out without threatening my livelihood.”
Funny thing is, our nervous systems are only ever responding to out of date information–effectively letting our past dictate our present and future:
I failed last time, which means it’s improbable that I’ll succeed this time. Wait, what? That was a pretty big leap in logic there. Babe, you get to do everything differently this time: resource yourself where you tried to figure it out on your own last time; skip learning certain things the hard way; run the next experiment based on more data than you’ve ever had before, etc etc. You have never been MORE prepared to succeed.
I like the stability and steady paycheck. Well… that is, until you get laid off without warning, in spite of your great performance, as is now the norm in corporate culture. (We all know the most secure career path is one where you learn how to make a lot of money, easily and quickly, and on your own terms.)
We all have total agency, but none of us are in control, DPMPIAB. Grasping at external signals that we’re certain to succeed is what we do when we’re trying to avoid properly grieving the lie that someone was going to come along and tell us we did everything right. A+, no mistakes, no notes. The cruel fantasy of perfection as defined by anyone but us.
So I have a prescription for you, DPMIAB; your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Slow down and pause. Do four rounds of box breathing (inhale 4, hold 4 at the top; exhale 4, hold 4 at the bottom) to soothe your extremely activated nervous system. Try lying down and doing progressive muscle tensing/relaxing, starting with your toes, doing every muscle group up to your face–then let yourself blobbbbb. I have a bunch more tricks for optimizing your body for creativity here.
Now that you’re relaxed, we have the ability to get curious: how is it that one human brain can have competing, conflicting stories flying around–sometimes oscillating between them every few minutes??
Here’s the neat trick that’s going to change everything for you: what if your brain didn’t contain one mind, but MANY?
What if you had an entire cast of characters coming on and off stage all day long, speaking their perspective, sometimes quite loudly, sometimes even attacking the other characters in the play?
What if some of those characters were you at 5 years old; you at 15; your grandmother, your father, your shitty ex, your amazingly supportive partner, your best boss; what if some of the characters transcended human form and spoke to you as the sky, the river, the ocean, the tree, the bridge? How do they see the world?
Interesting people have an inner world that is dramatic, rich, and diverse. Having so many well-formed characters and inner perspectives is what makes us so wildly creative; it’s what makes us think so much faster and so much BIGGER than most people. We contain SO. MUCH.
Make a list of your current cast of characters. What is the backstory of the voice who is telling you you’re trapped? How old is she? What’s her deal? What about the character who is so hungry and dead-set on freedom that she made a huge bet on herself in her first swing at entrepreneurship? Who wants to run and hide; who wants praise; who wants glory?
And, perhaps most importantly–who is the inner cast member who keeps showing up and saying: Be Realistic?
Don’t look away. Witness that character’s deep sea of sadness, having given up her dreams again and again, sacrificing them at the Altar of “Not Enoughness”. Be with her as she finally crumbles with grief, in the warmth of your attention. Grieve with her.
Imagine how everything would change for this character if you finally asked her:
What is it you’ve been trying to tell me?
What is it that you truly need?
If I were to give you what you need, how would I change how I spend my time?
In what ways are you sacrificing YOUR dreams at the Altar of “Not Enough” today?
If you want to take your creativity seriously, develop your relationships with these individual characters and how they interact with both you AND each other.
Practically speaking: every morning you wake up, over your tea or coffee, ask: Who is at the kitchen table today?
Let the characters know you see them. Ask them: what do you need to feel good? What do you need to feel safe?
Because soon, you’ll be able to ask yourself: what character serves my goals best right now? Whose guidance shall I accept about what to do next?
Whose opinion are you going to decide is “CORRECT”, because only you actually can?
A lot of people will encourage you to frame the question of “should I strike out on my own again?” in terms of what you’ll regret more: trying and failing, or never trying at all.
Personally, I try not to let fear of regret drive my decision-making; I much prefer asking myself what kind of person I really want to be, and behaving accordingly–even when other parts of me feel afraid.
3. GET FUCKING PISSED OFF.
VIBE SHIFT! All the navel-gazing in the world isn’t going to kick your creative vessel (read: your body) into action to actually execute on what will grow you. Channeling our rage about the things we believe must change in the world is one of my favorite methods to actually pull off “doing it scared.”
Say this out loud:
HOW. DARE. YOU. HOW DARE YOU!!
Who are you finding yourself talking to?
Is it a toxic boss? A teacher who discouraged you? A person who mistreated you when you were younger? The patriarchy? The President? Hold them in your mind and fucking LET IT RIP.
What is it that they will NEVER do again, or goddess help you, you will COME FOR THEM?
Hold that fire in your body. Cry or scream, if some of the energy needs to burn off.
Then, go articulate your vision of your life when you have EVERYTHING you want, in spite of any apparent conflicts, with zero constraints, and focused completely on ABUNDANT JOY AND PLEASURE AND FREEDOM AND STABILITY.. Write it in extreme detail; put together a physical altar; make a scrapbook, whatever. Just make it a completely and utterly audacious statement of your intention for your life.
How are you spending your time? What values are you living into every day? What do you have? What have you released? Who’s there, where are you in the world, how do you feel? Design all of it FOR YOU.
Not only because FUCK THEM, but because YOU DON’T NEED TO JUSTIFY WHAT YOU WANT FOR ANYONE. The fact that YOU DESIRE IT is reason enough to say it out loud, visualize it, ask for it, and build it.
VALIDATE YOUR OWN DAMN SELF. FINALLY.
Anger is so powerful as an internal-validation channel-clearer here, because people socialized as women are proactively shamed, day in and day out, for wanting… well, anything. Especially if we just want it for pleasure.
Anger is not the only option, though. There may be days where the sheer overwhelming power of love and gratitude fuels you. Hunger for success, maybe. All these emotions represent our inner cast of characters and the stories they want to share with you.
So. Are you listening?
Once your cast of characters feel safe and relaxed, with their needs more or less met–can you get creative, and ask HOW, rather than IF, you could achieve freedom AND stability, without having to choose? What voices contribute to the creation of that vision?
If you used every resource at your disposal–what life will make your soul jump for joy?
What answer are you going to choose as your truth today?
Love,
Becca
P.S. If you’re a creative weirdo feeling trapped by the golden handcuffs and you’re like, BECCA, HOW ARE YOU IN MY BRAIN?! then we should probably schedule time to chat–you aren’t imagining it. Book your free discovery session here: calendly.com/beccacamp/byob