Objects of Desire
Got a couple hot tickets for you this week.
1// A BOOK, which I discuss below: Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown (it’s just as sexy as it sounds) and
2// AN EVENT THIS THURS JUNE 11: a professional development seminar and group coaching I’m hosting; on the tricks no one talks about to get promoted to Director or VP (also probably just as as sexy as it sounds).
Ok, hi!
You’ll be shocked, I'm sure, to hear that one of the biggest topics on the minds of my clients the past few weeks has been justice and activism.
But there’s so much depth, and pain, and nuance, and history beneath their words. So much exhaustion. So much giving. So… much.
It was timely that we covered Human Giver Syndrome in Fearless Femmes.
HUMAN GIVER SYNDROME:
The notion that all a woman’s time, effort, energy, mental space, and body is owed to others.
It’s a real phenomenon in the science of stress. And when you explore the intersectional experiences among women (women of color; women with disabilities, etc etc etc), you’ll find the effects of Human Giver Syndrome are compounded, sometimes exponentially. In short, though, the stress of caregiving leads to compassion fatigue—which is just what it sounds like; an ACTUAL TRAUMA experienced by caregivers.
“Caregiving” takes all forms. It could be the care given when a person of color explains racism to a white person. It is the care given to a declining elder family member. General emotional labor done by women at work. You get the gist.
It’s important to explain:
THE GIVING IS NOT WHAT’S TOXIC. IT’S THE FUCKING ENTITLEMENT TO IT THAT ROTS.
When caregiving is expected—demanded, or in some cases forced on—disproportionately of a subset of the population, over time that stress adds up to something indistinguishable from trauma, on a physiological level.
Human Giver Syndrome is inflicted externally, but also internally. Speaking for myself, I sometimes still catch myself saying “I have to keep going, because no one else will.” That's how deeply rooted this belief system is.
I can’t even count the number of times I’ve heard wonderful, hardworking women describe themselves as “selfish” for not tackling a problem for someone else. For not wearing themselves out, at the expense of their long game.
But I will not be complicit in my own stress, dissatisfaction, or oppression anymore. Even though the opposite message is being screamed at me from all directions, I still will write one thousand times:
I REJECT THE NOTION THAT ANYONE IS OWED MY TIME, ENERGY, OR BODY.
I REJECT THE NOTION THAT ANYONE IS OWED MY TIME, ENERGY, OR BODY.
I REJECT THE NOTION THAT ANYONE IS OWED MY TIME, ENERGY, OR BODY.
And I will surround myself with people who will help remind me of this.
This is the work. No, seriously—pleasure, joy, and rest ("selfishness," if you must) is one of the most important lessons we need to be learning right now to fully express our power and change the world. In her book, Pleasure Activism, author adrienne maree brown writes:
“Pleasure activism is the work we do to reclaim our whole, happy, and satisfiable selves from the impacts, delusions, and limitations of oppression and/or supremacy.”
In other words: how do we make social justice the most pleasurable human experience? How can we awaken within ourselves desires that make it impossible to settle for anything less than a fulfilling life?
What “feels good” always has a politics all its own.
I hope you’ll pick up the book—I’m working my way through its self-described “hot and heavy exercises” now as decide EXACTLY HOW I am going to be part of a long-term solution to inequality. It's also great if you're looking to add more women of color to your bookshelf. (Shoutout to my amazing friend and colleague Shelby Devlin for the recommendation.)
I hope I hear less of, “I don’t even know what I want.”
I hope I hear more of, “My no is the path to my yes.”
I want to give and give and give until I don’t really feel like it anymore...
and then rest easy knowing that there are plenty of other givers to go around.