how to be depressed and perform anyway
I am depressed right now. Maybe you are, too (just a wild guess).
This isn’t my first rodeo—I’ve been managing clinical depression on and off for 20 years!
As a human being (or, as my husband likes to call me, a humid bean) depression is a pretty reasonable physiological response to what's going on in the world around us.
And yet—I have a community of Femmes to support in their career and life journey.
There is no one else to do it; just me. I have a money-back policy on results. Dropping the ball is not an option.
In many ways, *I* am the product at my organization; no one else can stand in at my workshops or coaching or in authoring writing.
When you’re depressed, capacity for everything drops. So what’s a high-performing ambitious person with lots of responsibility to do?
Here are my 7 strategies for keeping all those balls in the air while still nurturing yourself, until you re-grow your roots and spring forth into greenery again--which you KNOW you will if you just give yourself some compassion, space, and TLC.
1. Connect and be vulnerable.
I remembered this one half-way through asking my husband how I was going to hide my depression from everybody. I immediately sat down to write this email.
If you're like most depressed people, you might be withdrawing and isolating yourself--partly because you don't want to be a burden, partly out of shame, partly because you can’t seem to find the energy for anything. It just makes things worse. Schedule calls with everyone you trust—friends and coworkers—to reinstate some feedback loops. You're doing better than you think you are, and must find a way to be reminded of that. Momentum doesn’t spontaneously generate; you have to create it in any way possible; talking to people you trust is one of the easiest ways to do it. MAKE IT HAPPEN.
Be yourself without being a total mess. The difference is: laying the responsibility for how you feel/making you feel better at the feet of others.
Do any of you feel responsible for making me feel better, reading this email? Probably not (if you do, examine why! That's a "you" thing). I know in my bones that I am responsible for every part of my experience.
Tactically, stop guessing if you’re dropping the ball, and talk openly to the people, team or stakeholders who rely on you about what they care most about. You might learn that something isn't as important as you think it is, or--even better--something that actually IS really important that you can make sure not to drop. Either way, you’ll probably be amazed by your team's support.
2. Slow down as much as you have to to keep going.
Do one tiny thing a day that represents self-care. And I mean TINY. For me, that’s brushing my teeth before bed even though I'm already in bed and seriously considering skipping it. You can do anything for two minutes; let it be your grounding practice.
Go easy on yourself. People pay way less attention than you think they do. Delegate everything that can be delegated; give notice early that you're moving deadlines back.
You are so, SO hard on yourself. Face that for a minute, and try treating yourself like you would a friend.
We all ebb and flow--and in any case, you don't have a choice but to roll with it and honor the downcycle. People probably won’t notice you slowing down for a month or two, but they definitely WILL notice you being burned out beyond recognition six months from now, and ultimately having to quit. Slow down and invest in future you.
For every task you do have to do, break it down into the tiniest step possible.
Hint: it usually starts with "1. Look at my laptop". Sometimes that's all I can manage. Most of the time, though, once that's knocked out, I'll end up moving onto step 2: opening my laptop. You get the idea.
Overwhelm is your enemy right now, and you are the master of the frame you put around what you need to accomplish. Shrink it.
If you DO drop the ball on something, remind yourself: when I drop a ball, I can make it right. Then do so. I made an administrative error last month, and offered the client a free session to make up for it. She was stoked.
In a hostile or toxic work environment with a boss looking for an excuse to come down on you? Time for a paid leave of absence! Tell HR ASAP before you get fired.
3. Make yourself feel good.
Create a flow of time and money around pressures to alleviate them. Hire a babysitter. Order takeout. Schedule a housecleaner. Free up every emotional resource possible; you’re going to need it to keep your job on the rails.
A change of scenery works wonders. Use credit card miles to go into nature or get some sun for a three day weekend. Stop making excuses, and find a way to make it work. You have a hold to dig yourself out of; you can't afford not to. It’ll give you new stimuli, fresh perspective, and—if you’re lucky—maybe even a little inspiration.
Depression is an over-activation of the dorsal vagal system—your “freeze” survival response. That's why any change or action feels totally untenable. Soothe yourself and warm that system back up to a “safe” baseline with:
Gentle movement/stretching/yoga
Hiding in a pillow fort or building a nest in bed
Lavender aromatherapy baths
Slow creative practice (painting, coloring, gentle dance)
Eating moderate amounts of comfort food
CRYING. Like, as much as possible. It's an amazing nervous system release.
Play the tape forward on your coping mechanisms. Does the wine at night feel good in the moment, but if you fast forward the tape to next morning, you feel more tired and anxious? (Science would confirm that, btw).
Try replacing or pairing habits that don’t serve you with (gentle, easeful) ones that do. But at the end of the day, err on the side of too much pleasure, rather than too little. You're allowed. It will help get you back to full capacity sooner.
4. Take yourself less seriously.
Watch funny movies. Be a blob. Exaggerate your feelings in an effort to move through them (throwing a stomping tantrum can be really cathartic). At this point, my husband and best friends know that they can lowkey make fun of me when I’m blubbering about gloom and doom and letting it leak into everything, including work. It's lightness I didn't know I needed.
Catch yourself comparing yourself to other people, and remind yourself to have empathy for them. There’s not a person alive who isn’t suffering in a pretty serious way.
We are so much more than our work and our "level". Release those thoughts, or if you can’t, distract yourself by any means necessary. It’s not making you better at your job.
Life is all just a video game anyway. Pew pew! Maybe your problems aren't quite as life-or-death as they seem, eh?
5. Go outside for a few minutes every single day.
Do not compromise on this one. I don’t care if it’s 25 degrees and raining; put on a damn coat and boots and walk around the block and feel sorry for yourself. It’ll be great.
6. Create a tiny accountability structure and/or rituals.
I’m going to create a 10-day 10 minutes of meditation challenge with the Femmes (we do stuff like this regularly) and spin up a little WhatsApp thread to keep us engaged. Even one minute of meditation a day will count.
Feeling up to a little research? Explore your own heritage. Most ancient cultures have winter rituals. Many involve witches in some format, which is dope. Check them out and see if there is any comfort to find there. There are so many cool rituals to try; it'll engage your curious brain with some novelty, and there’s some really wonderful spirituality you might connect to.
Light structure is your best friend.
7. Notice how much of your depression is stemming from boredom.
Want life to be interesting? GET INTERESTED.
Go on a scavenger hunt where you find cool stuff around your neighborhood like a stick covered in cool lichen, or cute rocks, or an old penny. Collect them and make a weird little altar next to your computer.
Sure, our options are limited right now, off and on. But remember when you were a kid and had no money, no car, no job, no internet, and little power? How did you spend your time? Try channeling some of that for half an hour and see where it takes you.
The opposite of depression is play, and it will make you show up more creatively and openly at work.
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There you go. 7 ways to hold down your psychological fort when the going gets tough--healing yourself for a speedy recovery while effectively managing expectations, simplifying, executing on what really matters, and being a clear communicator at work.
People don’t remember what you say; they remember how you make them feel. I don’t always have to show up as an ebullient, upbeat, transcendent leader. If I can show up vulnerably and as present as I can be, that is another critical way to support my community of clients.
You know you’ll come back from this, and you also know you can’t rush it.
Hold yourself lovingly and remember every cell in your body was designed to heal. It loves you, even if you can’t love it right now.
And, most of all, remember you are never alone, humid bean.