You Don't Have Imposter Syndrome + Here's $150!
Another important update from the Department of Unpopular Opinions:
Your inner saboteur/inner critic is not your enemy, and feeling like an imposter is not an illness.
But that's not how most of us (including therapists and coaches) talk about imposter syndrome. Instead, we say we must "Vanquish." "Banish." "Overcome." "Ditch."
"Strip it naked and march it through town while you follow it banging a cowbell yelling, 'SHAME. SHAME. SHAME.'"
....Ok, maybe that last one doesn't have any blog posts with that title YET, but the rest of them you've definitely seen.
Imposter Syndrome, and the nasty "inner critic/inner saboteur" that causes it, gets a super bad rap. So bad that we use a bunch of violent, combative, zero-sum analogies to describe what we want to do to it.
It's almost like we want to treat it the way it treats us.
We abhor this "part" of us that causes so much suffering. And of course we do--if someone were yelling expletives at you all day, you'd do your best to run away, or tune them out. Anything to avoid the pain of hearing what they're saying.
Don't screw up again.
They're going to find out you have no idea what you're doing.
If they knew the real you, they wouldn't like you. Keep up the facade.
You keep getting B+ results because you're a B+ human.
But when the voice is coming from within, there are no earmuffs.
Only one choice remains: turn towards the voice and hear what it's saying.
Radical, eh? What if this voice weren't coming from a saboteur or a critic at all, but a tired, well-intentioned inner hero?
Like, six-year-old you, running around wearing a cape, trying to protect you? Imagine the voice coming from THEM. Literally, right now, imagine it.
What would you say in response to this little kid? You probably wouldn't try to vanquish or ditch them. That would be silly; they're only six years old, and you aren't a monster.
What you might say instead is:
"Awww, what's wrong? Do you need a nap? Are you feeling lonely? Are you hungry?"
If you're slightly intuitive, you might even go one step further and say, "Poor thing, did something happen that scared you? Does this situation remind you of something scary? C'mere and get a hug. You'll be safe with me."
Furthermore, it would be pretty smart--adaptive, even--for our brains to pattern-match a situation it found painful, and try to avoid it by any means possible. And when you're six, sometimes the only means available is a temper tantrum.
This is literally the foundation of modern neuroscience: neuropathways get formed really early in life in response to stimulus, and become our go-to nervous system response until we retrain it to something else.
So yeah. The bad voice isn't trying to criticize you. The cranky kid in a superhero cape isn't trying to "sabotage" you. They're trying to PROTECT you, in the best way they know how: simply, and directly, with whatever resources they have.
Can we all please stop trying to "banish" them? They're trying to get our attention because they need something.
Here's what to do instead:
HALT. If you hear that painful voice, pause, and ask, "Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?" You'll be amazed how often this is the culprit. Now go get that need met before proceeding; sometimes it only takes a few minutes.
If it's deeper than that, ask: "What is the message this part of me is trying to send?" You might get an answer like "I'm exhausted" or "I don't want to disappoint people again" or "I just want to have fun."
If you were to give this part of you EXACTLY what it's asking for, what would it be?
If you were to give this part of you EXACTLY what it was asking for, how would you change how you spend your time?
You don't have Imposter Syndrome, folks. What you have is a feeling.
Let's start talking about that.
Love,
Becca
P.S. It's that time again!!! The next cohort of Fearless Femmes starts on July 28.
I'm offering a $150 bonus to any subscriber who successfully refers someone to the program. We go suuuuuper deep into what I discussed in this newsletter today, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
The reviews of this last cohort (the first fully-virtual version!) were stellar, and I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for the absolutely amazing women who have chosen to invest in themselves and their emotional agency with me. Schedule some time with me to learn more!